can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
