I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
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She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
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I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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