she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
