this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
