My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
