u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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