Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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