How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
