i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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