when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
