worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
