having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
