I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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