Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
