Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
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Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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