Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
