did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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