you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i wish my penis had a tongue
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
