Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
