"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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