I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
