Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
