How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
