Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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