I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
