Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Randomize
