You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
