I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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