I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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