Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
