i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
sarcasm needs its own font
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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