The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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