Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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