Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
