if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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