I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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