; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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