I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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