Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?