Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
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Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
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How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo