I'm so fucking centered right now
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
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The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
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YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
I hate when you're right.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.