i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
