At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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