Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
