It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
