And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
