Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
my liver is dry heaving
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
