I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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