if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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