Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
