so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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