Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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