Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
