i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
