remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Randomize